Funerals are traditionally seen as moments of love and remembrance - gatherings where family and friends come together to grieve, share stories, and say goodbye. But what happens when the person who has died was estranged from their family? What if their relationships were fractured, complicated, or even painful? Does everyone deserve a funeral?

It’s a difficult question, and one without a simple answer. Grief is not always tied to love, and loss is not always straightforward. Sometimes, a death brings relief. Sometimes, it stirs up unresolved pain. And sometimes, it leaves a silence that no one quite knows how to fill.

Who Are Funerals For?

A funeral is traditionally a ceremony to honour and remember the person who has died, but in many ways, funerals are also for the living. For me personally, when preparing a funeral - I am essentially working with two clients: 1) the bereaved family - 2) the person who has died. A good funeral should serve both clients and meet the needs of both. When held with reverence, funeral ceremonies offer a structured way to process loss, to share memories, and to say goodbye. But when estrangement is involved, that process can become far more complex.

People often assume that grief follows a neat trajectory - shock, sadness, healing - but for those who had difficult relationships with the person who died, grief can take many forms. There may be anger, guilt, confusion, or even indifference. A funeral might feel like an obligation rather than a source of comfort.

So, does an estranged family have to hold a funeral? No. But that doesn’t mean a farewell ritual wouldn’t be valuable. I believe funeral ceremonies can and should hold the whole truth of a person - even (and especially) when it’s complex, conflicting, uncomfortable & hard. Funerals can hold many iterations of a persons life - and a good funeral can hold them in their wholeness, allowing all their parts to be true - especially the ugly, hurtful or harmful. We can often do more harm when we don’t allow the truth telling.

The Complexity of Mourning an Estranged Loved One

Grief and estrangement often go hand in hand. Even when a relationship was fractured or non-existant, death can stir up unexpected emotions. Sometimes, it is the grief of what was never resolved… other times, it is the sorrow of what could have been - the lost potential of reconciliation, the absence of closure. These feelings can be complex, conflicting, and disorienting.

For those left behind, a funeral can serve different purposes. It can be an act of acknowledgment, a way of recognising that even if the relationship was painful, the person existed. A funeral does not need to rewrite history or pretend things were different, but it can provide a space to simply acknowledge a life that was lived. For some, it can also be an opportunity for closure. Estrangement often leaves loose ends, unresolved emotions, and unanswered questions. A funeral, even a small and private one, can serve as a symbolic moment of release - an opportunity to say goodbye in whatever way feels most appropriate.

Community support is another vital aspect of a funeral, particularly in situations of estrangement. Not everyone who loved the deceased was part of the family conflict. Friends, colleagues, or distant relatives may also need space to grieve and pay their respects. A funeral, in whatever form it takes, can provide a communal moment of remembrance.

Alternatives to Traditional Funerals

Not every farewell needs to follow the standard model of a formal service. If a traditional funeral does not feel right, there are many other ways to mark the moment and honour the complexity of the relationship.

A private reflection can be a powerful act of remembrance. Lighting a candle, writing a letter, or visiting a meaningful place connected to the person who died can provide a sense of personal closure. These quiet, introspective gestures allow for grief to be acknowledged without the expectations or pressures of a formal gathering.

A small gathering could also be supportive. This might be a few close friends or family members sharing stories, playing music, or simply holding space for one another. Such gatherings can be as structured or as informal as needed, allowing for a farewell that feels right for those involved.

Ultimately, mourning an estranged loved one is a deeply individual experience. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and no single approach will fit every situation. The key is to find a way to acknowledge the loss in a manner that feels supportive for you, allowing for both remembrance and release.

What If There’s No Funeral?

In some cases, a person’s death may go unmarked. If no one steps forward to organise a funeral, or if the family choose not to hold one, it can feel unsettling. But grief doesn’t require a formal ceremony to be real. If you’re struggling with complicated feelings after the death of an estranged family member, consider giving yourself permission to process it in your own way. You don’t have to attend a funeral to acknowledge your emotions. And you don’t have to grieve in the way others expect.

Does Everyone Deserve To Be Remembered?

Does everyone deserve a funeral? Maybe the better question is: Does everyone deserve to be remembered? The answer to that is deeply personal. Some families will choose to gather, even in the face of estrangement. Others will let the past rest. There is no right or wrong way to navigate loss, only what feels true for those left behind. But despite it being hard, know that it’s possible to craft a ceremony that holds enough truth, for there to be seeds of healing.

If you are facing the death of an estranged family member, and want to chat over some ways to make a difficult experience meaningful, feel free to get in touch. x